Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.

Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited

Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.