Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
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If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
…..pretty much.
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
It’s that simple 👊🏻
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Spring cleaning checklist…
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”