Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
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I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.