*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
i guess his teacher was really pissed
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I have no passwords left in me
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
