*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
I cannot stop laughing at this
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
