Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.

People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I’m not deleting this)

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

I’d use my best pan on you.

Me: I’m going to be so productive today!

Apple Screen Time Report: LOL

I am laughing way too hard at this.

Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.