[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
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I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”