*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
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Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
That time Alicia messaged me
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now