*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
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Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
3% human
97% stress
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves