Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.

really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]

Bruce: Viagra!

Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-

Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!

Dr: Ok

*Bruce Dies…Hard*

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

This bar smells like my childhood.

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach

Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to

ok I’ll buy 10 boxes

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration

Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.

Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.

Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.

Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

stop