Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄

WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom

[Upstairs Later]

ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

There’s always that one guy

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:

1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.

I know this now.

“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

Hubs: If you could sleep with…

Me: THOR!!!

Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.

Me: Ohhhh…

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:

6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”

Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”

6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”

Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”

Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”