Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

I don’t believe him.

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

🤣😂🤣

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”

It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.

I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

My 9: what language does toast speak?

French toast.

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!