Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.

Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.

#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning

If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

*limbos away from your hug*

all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

⁦@XplodingUnicorn⁩ LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃

Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.

Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.