[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
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In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Mornin. * use accordingly
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.