Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

– playing “Is it cake? –

Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

[sets up grandfather’s first computer]

ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.

[phone rings one hour later]

ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?

◾️

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.

He instantly became one of the bros

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what

I just want an internship man

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.