Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

ME: come here honey

HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy

ME: do you need anything from Amazon?

HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

*during sex

Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?

Me: Nope. Way better.

*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

Friend: What time is it?

Me: November.

He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due