Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
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A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Found the job I’m suited for
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
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I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.