Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.

Dog:

God:

Dog:

God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )

contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to

me: yea i don’t

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

Her: What’s your type?

Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.

Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?

Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!

Me: Cool! Thank-

Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…

Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.