Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

waiter: have you decided

me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds

my date, who is a raccoon: perfect

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?

Asking for our friend, Siobhan.

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

I think we should hear other voices.

To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

Friend: do you regret becoming a father?

Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friend: you want the rest of my fries?

Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.

Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.

It’s on my to-do list.

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.