Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler

I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.

I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?

11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.

He’s already better than me at puns.

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”