Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.

Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.

Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.

What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”

oh you like nyc? name every rat

Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart

Noah: glue might work, I have an idea

Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?