Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.

Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…

WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

This week’s mood.

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”

Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected