Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

HAPPY EARTH DAY!

Suck it, Neptune.

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle

My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.