Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
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I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂