Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you

Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn

I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end

Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?

“Yes”

Inside?

“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”

So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY

A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem

me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

Can’t, holding a grudge

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*

Me: WTF

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.