Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next

FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.

10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

customer: your lightest roast please

barista: that middle part you’re wearing makes you look like a founding father

You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window

You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.

ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

I am putting on so many clothes

*cold weather sext

I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?

Me: I don’t like your tone.

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.

Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?

9: what?

Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?

9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!

Me: are you nervous?

9: stop!!!