Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.

These dogs look like they have good credit.

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?

Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?

Touché kid

[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times

[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus

Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?

Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*

Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?

Some of y’all tomorrow …