Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!

“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.

i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.

You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?

Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”

Sink: “Good one.”

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?

To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”

ME: “I understand.”

DOCTOR: “Exactly.”

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.