[Looking at the vast night sky]

Her: What do you think about other life forms?

Him: Well *thoughtfully rubs chin* wallabies are shit

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You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.


Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.


[Contract Law]

BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract

ME: so there’s strings attached?


Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show


I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.


So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?


The iWatch is awesome because it’s the fastest way to let everyone know you used to have 500 dollars.


My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.


Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.