You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
[Looking at the vast night sky]
Her: What do you think about other life forms?
Him: Well *thoughtfully rubs chin* wallabies are shit
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I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
The iWatch is awesome because it’s the fastest way to let everyone know you used to have 500 dollars.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.