[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
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[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Good news
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass