Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

Hot hot hot 🥵

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*

*door in my house opens on its own*

me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure

the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.

It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.