Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a first date in a restaurant]

him: so what did you do last weekend?

me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.

him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time

me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!

Maybe next year… ☔️

#GreatBritishSummer #Rain

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.

It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh