looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
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It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
pain
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
When I pack too much for a short trip.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
somebody come look at this
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.