looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
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journal
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
How it started How it’s going
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.