Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”