Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood

[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?

The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

Leaving the house forgetting my keys, and then crawling through a window , is not good way to start the day…

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.

Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.

A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo

*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.

I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this