[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
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Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I am, perchance
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
consequences, the bane of my existence
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.