[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
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Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.