Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.

People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?

Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it

Duck *holding gun* good answer

The Universe can have my atoms back.

I don’t want them anymore.

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.

My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”

“No.”

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.

me: there’s a bunch of cars following us

date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

Name another movie that mislead you?

Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King