Looking at you, Jesus.
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One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations