Looking at you, Jesus.
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Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
