Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

Feels like the fourth month in January

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.

I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

*First Date*

Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL

Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving

Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.

3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”

😬

We avoided this particular disaster

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening

me: *nodding* ghosts

handyman: …this screw is loose

me: ah.

handyman:

me:

handyman:

me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass