Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”

It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

My whole life was a lie.

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

the internet really was better 18 years ago

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.