Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
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My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!