Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
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Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Always the camel, never the toe.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
happy mother’s day❤️
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman