Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

This made me chuckle cuz mood

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

public bathrooms: wash your hands

also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.

it wasn’t ebola

it wasn’t trump

it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year

it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.