Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
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If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
we were doing a cousins pic and we did one that included my cousins’ partners and our pizza got delivered while we were taking it and i jokingly said “invite him in so he can be my boyfriend for the pic”
and my aunt ASKED HIM to and brought him inside & he did the pic 😭😭😭😭😭
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
*swipes right on my hand mirror
They’re the worst 😩
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager