Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬

I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

“Daddy?”

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”

dark side of the loom

I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day

Me: What have you written so far?

13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”

M: Good opener.

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either