Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

This could be us, but you weedin’.

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”

Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

There’s a disturbance in the coffee.

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.

*takes off sunglasses*

Oh.

I think this should do it.

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.