looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
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The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
it takes so much energy
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.