Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.

MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time

A room full of people:   ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

What the hell is going on?

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE