Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
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*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.