Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
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Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
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