Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.

Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it

-yard sale

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

[DATE NIGHT]

Me: You and me baby

Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?

Me: so let’s do it….?

Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!

Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*

If you’re testing me, we failed.

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor

If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t