Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*

Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*

SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork

FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great

ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?

FRIEND: Sure

ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris

Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

her: let’s make a baby

me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed