*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
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when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
Breaking news:
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly