*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
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Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
10/10 no notes
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
