*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

You Might Also Like


Me: We didn’t even have cell phones or the internet when I was your age.

6yo: Did you have bikes?

Me….nope, we rode horses.



Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you


FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.


I lay on the grass looking up at the clouds. ‘That woolly one looks like a fist’ I say, as Jack punches me again.


Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”


*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true


I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s not what you’re thinking, I’m mostly scratching my head wondering what I saw in you.


I’ll be celebrating my birthday the traditional way, by barging naked into a room full of strangers and crying.


hello and welcome to Fantasy Football *Dumbledore passes ball to Frodo* *Gandalf intercepts football and eats it*


me: I just left and I already miss you
wife *typing response*
me: (can you read that to the dog for me)