@GorillaNipples1

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

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@TheMichaelRock

Me: We didn’t even have cell phones or the internet when I was your age.

6yo: Did you have bikes?

Me….nope, we rode horses.

6yo: WOOOOW

@iAmJuddy

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

@AndrewNadeau0

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

@realHamOnWry

I lay on the grass looking up at the clouds. ‘That woolly one looks like a fist’ I say, as Jack punches me again.

@copymama

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

@GeriatricBeards

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

@the_moonface

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s not what you’re thinking, I’m mostly scratching my head wondering what I saw in you.

@badbanana

I’ll be celebrating my birthday the traditional way, by barging naked into a room full of strangers and crying.

@Kalarlis

hello and welcome to Fantasy Football *Dumbledore passes ball to Frodo* *Gandalf intercepts football and eats it*

@iwearaonesie

[texting]
me: I just left and I already miss you
wife *typing response*
me: (can you read that to the dog for me)