Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

😆

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.

i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair

Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

[First Date]

Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.

Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.