[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
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“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
He a real one for that
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.