[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
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My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.