[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
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People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard