Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?

19: I don’t want to tell you.

Me: Was it porn?

19: It’s worse.

Me: What was it?

19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2

😆😆😆

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

How actors in movies eat their food

We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime

Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.

I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.