Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

I once made a mistake with plurals.

It was an amazing feet.

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

Look Ma, no handle on things

☠️

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?

Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs

Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.