Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

Stop.

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

I camp so other people don’t have to.

There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead

[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]

Date: The wine is lovely great choice

Me: *helplessly slips off chair*

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house

MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.