looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
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LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Twitter fine art
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.