looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
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a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.