Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

text from my dad when lebron broke the record

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.

Life Lessons From Cats:

• take more naps

• rules were meant to be broken

• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared

• always demand respect

• if you have an itch, scratch it

• find joy in the simple things

• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.

Wake me when AI does housework

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

“It was a different time.”

“It was this morning.”

“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”

The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

Roses are red, you always mattered,

People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced

*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*

Me: why do I keep doing this, lol

*opens twitter*

Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.

Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”

Barista: …

Barista: …

Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit