Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.

Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!

SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?

ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.

If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.

😂🖐️

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water

me looking at the christmas cookie tray:

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath