Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape

If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

“She is not fine.”

~Sun Tzu

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.

Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT

“Hi-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Do y-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Excuse m-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”

[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

Cop: “License and registration please.”

*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*

Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

im 7 sauces long

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.

I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.