Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: An ostrich.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.

ANGEL: I think you need a break dude

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.

Has there ever been a more American story?

Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

*inhales helium from balloon*

I think we should see other people.

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want