>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°
You Might Also Like
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Love this one 😂🧟
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.