>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°
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*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Matt Goss
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox