Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”

Do robots dream of electric sheep?

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

Blew my mind.

*sends nudes*

Him: omg you showered!

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”

Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”

Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do