Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

Simple

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?

me: well, I am not certain but

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes

Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10

You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-

Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8

What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.

Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]