Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
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Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper