Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
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dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
I love wikipedia
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
