Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
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High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
Don’t talk down to me
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.