looking for a job in america is kinda wild
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When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.