looking for a job in america is kinda wild
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I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.