Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
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“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Gemma Correll
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.