Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
You Might Also Like
My neck, my back, my…
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
i think my razor is having a panic attack
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground